Naughty Bits

Naughty Bear Preview

2010-08-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

Naughty Bear:Xbox360 Game:Developer:Artificial Mind and Movement: Publisher:505 Games

I want a Friday the 13th game. I picture a modern HD setting where each level corresponds to a film from the series. In the single player you get to play as Jason's mother in the first tutorial level then upgrade to Jason by the second. I figure you could get the original actors to voice the various camp counselor victims (I'm sure Kevin Bacon is free) and extra achievements for using the original weapons (hello spear gun) as well as killing them in the original order. Heck you could have a multiplayer mode where one person plays Jason and everyone else plays well armed fodder (extra points for skinny dipping after finding your friends dead.)

Sorry I got carried away there for a minute... anyway Naughty Bear promises me that Friday the 13th game play albeit with cute, poorly rendered teddy bears rather than topless nubile teenagers. Well you take the hand that is dealt to you.

Naughty Bear takes place on Perfection Island. You play the titular bear who apparently snaps after not being invited to Daddles' birthday party. As a result you stalk the various bears on the island beating the stuffing out of them (literally), setting traps, and frightening them into committing suicide. As a side note, since this is done with teddy bears the game is rated teen. If anything proves the arbitrary silliness of the ratings board this would be the game.

Now there have been other games that allowed you to indulge in your serial killer fantasies with a controller in your hand, the infamous Manhunter being the most obvious example. (As a rule you can not mention Manhunter with out using a qualifier such as infamous or notorious.) Alas, Manhunter is hardly alone. The Hitman video games certainly allowed one to set elaborate traps and stalk one's prey. There was a Playstation game where you could set traps in a house and defends it against attackers of which I bought the sequels and enjoyed very much and for the life of me cannot remember the name of despite an exhaustive search of Playstation games on the Wiki, and no it wasn’t Home Alone.)

In fact one of my favorite builds in open world RPG’s (Oblivion, Fallout 3) is that of the serial killer. Ramp of the stealth, put on the black hat (and hockey mask), and then go to town. On the surface it appears Naughty Bear appeals to my game play style. Alas there is a fly in this dark ointment… the reviews.

With no demo and gameplay videos that are both uninformative and unimpressive, I am forced to listen to those other voices out there in the ether. And those voices say nein. Naughty Bear got some ugly reviews.While a Metacritic score of 42 is pretty damning by itself, the similitude of the complaints is the most jarring. The reviews complained of game (and Xbox) breaking glitches, repetitive environments, repetitive gameplay, and an overall lack of good programming.

While I will occasionally ignore reviews and jump into the pool anyway (Duke Nukem Manhattan) I take this wall of warnings with a heavy heart.It seems like Naughty Bear is a decent concept very poorly implemented. I am still curious enough to pick it up in the bargain bin, but I have no illusions of it being very good.

Final Preview Price $5

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Videogame Round-up 7/14/2010 Deathsmiles revealed...

2010-07-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Well I finished my adventures on the Island of Panua. Yes story mode complete in a mere 30 hours. Did I reach one hundred percent completion you ask? Would you believe 22.8%...

I will have a complete review of Just Cause 2 later in the week, but in the meanwhile a helpful hint it is a must buy and in the running for game of the year. Another game that I completed was Aquarium HD which is a fish feeding simulator and the best use of Microsoft points since I bought my avatar a pair of white slacks. (this would be sarcasm though I admit the pants do look nice.) Needless to say Aquarium HD is not in the running for game of the year.

A correction on Monday's Videogame Roundup, Magic the Gathering is not on the Deal of the Week list after all. Another correction, is that it isn't Lady Gaga's Poker Face that went on sale as a downloadable tune but the Eric Cartman version from South Park... which honestly sounds like a better listen.

In fact Monday's post was full of misinformation. I still have Crackdown 2 at a rent or $10 wait for the bargain bin recommendation and have no plans for another preview. In addition Castlevania for Dummies as of 11:47 EST has not been released on XBOX Live Arcade as part of a very special start of the Summer of staying home and sitting on your ass promotion. I did however find out what a 'Deathsmiles' was.

Before I reveal my heavily researched top secret Deathsmiles information below, let me give a proper preview of this week's game reviews, previews and features that are on tap.

Features
"When demos go bad a story of Too Human, Afro Samurai and Earthworm Jim HD."

"How not to release your game: a story about Alan Wake, Blurs and Split Second's May sales."

XBOX

Just Cause 2
NCAA Football 2011
Deathsmiles
N3II: Ninety-Nine Nights
Naughty Bear
Singularity
Sniper: Ghost Warrior
LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4

Xbox Live Arcade

Deadliest Warrior the game
Deathspank (not to be confused with Deathsmile)
Ancients of Ooga

Xbox Live Indie Games

Aquarium HD
Bombs Away
Sleepwalker
UFO Commando
Decay 2
7strains The Infection
Lumi
Comet!
MusicNow!
Jurassic

Okay now that you have digested all that; Deathsmiles is a 2D side scrolling shooter featuring a Japanese “Gothic Lolita character design". In other words it is a very Japanese game. Deathsmiles is also a straight arcade port from a few years ago and as a result not in HD. Expect lots of colorful sprites, endless waves of bullets and fan service upskirt shots. Or you could just play Aegis Wing while watching Ikki Tousen on a separate set. BTW chances of me accidentally interchanging Deathsmiles and Deathspank in my commentary are running about one hundred percent. And yes those are actual cosplay Deathsmiles characters below.

Eurogamer.net Podcast #26 is out and it is an interesting listen. Yes the sound quality on the Eurogamer podcasts is still pretty spotty, yes it often sounds like the B-roll for Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds is playing in the background (For some reason there are a lot of seagulls and England doesn't have windows that block sound) and yes they use those cute foreign terms and references. Their very special guest this week was Ignition Entertainment's Jamie Firth to talk about Blacklight: Tango Down. Since Eurogamer gave that game almost a worse thrashing than
I did I do admit I was disappointed in the lack of a Real Housewives of New Jersey weave pulling fisticuffs. Instead they talked about the poor sales for certain games that were stupid enough to come out around Red Dead Redemption's release date as well as the upcoming Dragon Age 2 (YAY!). All in all a good listen this week.

A special note; Mr. Firth wisely points out that as European producer he had nothing to do with the actual game Blacklight. (The old it's all the Americans fault gambit). The Eurogamer podcast does make a nice companion piece to my first feature this week "How not to release your game: a story about Alan Wake, Blurs and Split Second's May sales."

Game Trailers - E3 2011

G4's feedback above features special guest Geoffrey Zatkin who's scientific study proves that game reviewers matter. Expect Zatkin's research to be trumpeted by the review crew till the sun turns into a white dwarf and the earth becomes frozen lifeless hulk. Between the self congratulatory coverage the panel also touches on the sales numbers from May and one of my favorite topics comes up, the importance of demos. Which leads into my second article planned for this week "When demos go bad a story of Too Human, Afro Samurai and Earthworm Jim HD."

On Metacritic this week NCAA Football 2011 has gotten some good notices along with the usual is it worth buying if you already own NCAA Football 2010 hand wringing. I will have a full report soon.

Crackdown 2, Blacklight: Tango Down and Ancients of Ooga continue to take a light pummeling from critics. Gamers that plunged their fifteen bucks into Blacklight seem to be taking it pretty hard... while reviewers of Crackdown 2 strangely enough kind of wish it had been a fifteen dollar DLC itself. Ancients of Ooga seems to suffer from being too nice and too easy. (It is an awfully good looking and charming game.)

Well as you can see from that giant list above we have our work cut out for us this next week. Will all those reviews, previews and articles get done in the next seven days? Nope... but we should take a good chunk of them out and try to keep it witty and informative. Meanwhile back here at headquarters we are looking forward to starting up Crackdown. (No not Crackdown 2, Crackdown... lets just say I am running a tad behind on my games)

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Laid to Rest... The best laid plans of serial killers and men.

2010-07-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

Laid to Rest: 7 out of 10: Laid to Rest is a real slasher film. A movie truly for hardcore horror and gore fans only and will make viewers, such as myself, who often enjoy a less serious outing really wonder if I want to see a true horror film. (Turns out I do) This film scared me in places and made me look away in joyful disgust in others. It is a film that raises the bar for horror.

On a lighter note let’s pretend you are married to a B movie actress whose claim to fame is a brief appearance as an Orion Slave Woman on an episode of The Star Trek spin off series Enterprise (Season 4 Episode 4 Borderland to be exact). She has large breasts but refuses to do a topless scene and she is seemingly challenged in the acting ability department. Oh and if she doesn’t star in your next project the audience will not be the only people to be denied a nude scene.

Solution? One brain damaged protagonist coming up.... Some people have trouble getting past the um acting of our star (and directors wife) Bobbi Sue Luther but I think poor acting is as much a part of the slasher genre as the false scare or lame back-story reveal and it good to see it represented here. (Strangely I don’t recall a false scare in Laid to Rest and what back-story reveal there actually is turns out to be fairly well done.)

As if to make up for the main lead, the rest of the cast is much better than any slasher film deserves. For one thing they act like a real people would if confronted with such horror. (This is a credit to the script as well; but the cast really does sell this.) Kevin Gage in particular gives a performance that carries the film and what Lena Headey (The queen in 300 and Sarah Conner in the Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles ) is doing in a slasher film like this is a true mystery.

The direction by Robert Hall is also top notch with the ability to create tension and true scares. The real star of this show however is the make-up effects that are simply out of this world and make this worth a look just for that reason. (No cheesy digital blood here)

The only real negatives to the film, outside of Bobbi Sue Luther performance (which isn’t really that bad and fits a brain damaged character), is the opening credits and the ending. If you hate quick cuts, shaky cam and techno music all combined together the opening credits will put the fear of God into you. Don’t worry it stops as soon as the film proper starts. The ending is simply disappointing on a few levels. Characters act... well out of character, and the whole thing is anti-climatic and gimmicky.

Overall Laid to Rest is an excellent slasher film for those people who like that sort of thing. But be forewarned this is for fans only; if you don’t like real horror stay far away.

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Random Game: Japanorama

2010-07-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

Impact of Towers: Xbox Live Indie Game: Publisher Mr. Square. (or mrsquare as the e.e. cummings style publisher apparently insists.)

Japanorama is an XBOX Live indie thingy (game? no... Utility? not really... Screen saver? not exactly but closer.)

It has nine pictures of japan four of which are reproduced below. They are panoramic pictures but they don't exactly "transport your mind straight to the land of the rising sun!" as the blurb would have you believe.

That is it. Seriously. Why do people bother making this for the XBOX Indie service. Should I post some of my vacation snaps for a dollar? At least my vacation shots might include topless beaches or something else of prurient interest.

Score: Not worth even a dollar.

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"For some reason the entire exercise reminds me of the Epcot movies that you have to sit through to go on the rides."

"Boy I'm glad I got this game. I could never see woods like this otherwise. Any other exotic treats in store for the ears and eyes?"

"Old people and trash in the canal... Japan is a magical place."

" A street without cars will the wonders ever stop?"

" Blue Christmas lights in an office park. Please feel free to rest if the foreignness is to overwhelming."

An example of the kind of vacation snaps I would charge a dollar for... don't worry this one is on the house.

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Keira Knightley

2010-07-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

I gave an extra point or two for King Arthur due to Keira Knightley, whom also helped keep me awake while watching the third Pirates movie and is practically ethereal in Love Actually.

Keira also has some decent acting chops which is evident in various costume dramas such as Dr. Zhivago and Atonement.

"Keira Knightley A Picnic gone bad"

"Keira Knightley Adulterous Profumo Affair"

"Keira Knightley At Home With Nip Slip"

"Keira Knightley B the Arrow"

"Keira Knightley Benin"

"Keira Knightley C and Shout"

"Keira Knightley D Fairyland"

"Keira Knightley Desmoxytes Negative"

"Keira Knightley Enrique Smile"

"Keira Knightley Ezzatolah Flash"

"Keira Knightley Faenius"

"Keira Knightley Fashion Plate"

"Keira Knightley H Dagger at Ready"

"Keira Knightley Panties of Polka"

Keira Knightley gets mad in Atonement and decides to show her anger by getting all wet and sexy... When woman get mad at me I usually end up ducking toasters.

Someone has a spinning camera and a generic Spanish ballad and Keira Knightly topless. Eh it works for me. Even though if you told me this was a Vanishing Point remake I wouldn't be surprised (on reflection I just found out there was a Vanishing Point remake after all. A TV movie with Viggo Mortensen

Kiera Knightly goes all Julie Christie in this ribald Dr. Zhivago remake.

Kiera Knightly in quite an erotic scene in Silk.

Keira Knightly plays a virgin bride (I think I haven't actually sat through the movie. I'm saving it for when I need some serious girlfriend points.) in The Duchess.

I liked the Edge of Love but honestly I didn't remember this scene. I am watching it again and am somewhat confused with all the triple exposure stuff.

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Jaime King

2010-07-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Jaime King is a model turned actress famous for her turn as Goldie in Sin City (She is scheduled to appear in the sequel Sin City 2). She married the director of Fanboys after wrapping up the film. She was famous for being a heroin addict during her modeling career but has been clean and sober for a few years

She also has the cutest little duck lips... just saying.

"Jaime King 135"

"Jaime King 1999"

"Jaime King Alex"

"Jaime King ASAT"

"Jaime King ASM"

"The Spirit Promotional Poster Jaime King"

"Jaime King Bad"

"Jaime King Boys"

"Jaime King Cream"

"Jaime King Daughtry"

"Pell James Jaime King Doors Fanboys"

"Jaime King Dreamgirls"

"Pell James Jaime King Giganteus Fanboys"

"Jaime King Gothatar"

"Jamie King Maxim Graeme"

Jaime King Grevillea"

"Pell James Jaime King Helianthus Fanboys"

"Jamie King Maxim Humeral"

"Jamie King Maxim Jupiter"

"Jaime King Leah"

"Jaime King Macenta"

"Pell James Jaime King Magnormos Fanboys"

"Jaime King Malaysian"

"Jaime King Marc"

"Jaime King McCusker"

"Jamie King Monster"

"Jaime King Pannipitiya"

"Jaime King Pont"

"Pell James Jaime King Pont Fanboys"

"Jaime King Paul Fur"

"Jaime King Richard"

"Jamie King Maxim Robinson"

"Jamie King Maxim Rose"

"Jaime King Shackleford Fanboys"

"Jaime King Tyler Fanboys"

"Jaime King West"

"Jaime King Wings Large Breasts"

"Pell James Jaime King Zatosetron"

Brittney Daniels and Jamie King are involved in some sort of Jets vs Sharks (or good looking white woman vs. fugly White woman) dance off in that film I have avoided like Norbit... White Chicks. Will I now watch White Chicks not that I realize the thespian talent involved? Survey says doubtful.

Jamie adds a highlight reel to the fanboys in my mind.

It's Shatner... oh and Jaime does that writhing on the bed in her panties thing.

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

Warning disturbing James Woods scene.... no really this is on Naughty Bits not because of Jaime King nudity but because of Woods. Oh the film is Pretty Persuasion.

Jaime King in Sin City. Yes this film just gets better with every watch.

Jaime King in the David Carradine story? Nope a flick called The Alibi (now known as Lies & Alibis).

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Zoe Kazan

2010-07-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

Elia Kazan's granddaughter is probably how poor Zoe Kazan will probably be known for a while at least. However, she is making her own mark in film and Revolutionary Road is a good start as any. More than one critic noted her nuanced performance in what would be a throwaway role for many of a Hollywood young starlet.

"Zoe Kazan Makai"

"Zoe Kazan Futebol"

"Zoe Kazan Democrata"

"Zoe Kazan Clube"

"Zoe Kazan Stranger in the City Revolution Road"

"Zoe Kazan Valle Mosso Revolution Road"

"Zoe Kazan 3341 Hartmann Revolution Road"

"Zoe Kazan Tikopia Revolution Road"

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Angelina Jolie

2010-06-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie is a superhero. (A modern version of a goddess).

She is a surprise Oscar winner (which many people forget that she won but everyone remembers she tongue kissed her brother)

She is a humanitarian and unlike many celebrities she really follows through on her beliefs.

In addition she is a tabloid favorite for actions that would bury a mere mortal.

Of course Angelina isn't a mere mortal. She is a Goddess,

"Andreas"

"Ashleys"

"Cleavage Dagger"

"Embirikos "

"Gunnar "

"Ingolfr Nude Horse Love"

"Militia morning After"

"Notodonta"

"Regiment"

Angelina Jolie plays Gia the woman who lost her clothes. Joining her is an extremely cute Elizabeth Mitchell who also seems to have lost her clothes. In addition the movie Gia has the sexiest use of a chain link fence ever.

Angelina Jolie and Anne Archer (as her mom?) watch a porn movie together in Mojave Moon.

Beowulf reveals Angelina Jolie's true form (Her hair is a deadly tail). I have no doubt this is exactly what she is like in her off hours.

A very young Angelina Jolie shares a quite moment in Cyborg 2 a film with a distinct lack of quiet moments.

Quick shot from Foxfire. There is another scene with a bunch of teenage girls surrounded by candles and sitting in a circle topless. I'm not saying this scene is the only reason to sit through the slog of Foxfire (Okay yes I am)

Title screen for Gia which is like Showgirls but without the really bad acting and story.

Angelina Jolie scares a young man in Gia. As an aside she really does show both her acting chops and star power in this brief scene. The key to acting is of course to not let them see you pull the strings. The strings are certainly invisible in this scene.

Angelina Jolie apparently gets transported back to the fifties complete with black and white cinematography, leather jackets, and waa waa music like some Mystery Science Theater stripper film.

Every man should have a girlfriend like this once. They are however much better in memory than they ever were in real life.

A very buck naked Angelina Jolie gets the lets just be friends speech from a delicious albiet clothed Elizabeth Mitchell in this funny scene from Gia.

As this clip from Hell's Kitchen shows nothing says class like sex on the bathroom floor. Sadly no Gordon Ramsey cameo in this clip.

Angelina Jolie gets Danny Aiello to pay for her turkey sandwich in Mojave Moon. Angelina certainly made an impression in her longer years.

Danny Aiello enforces the Gas, Ass or Grass rule for potential hitchhikers.

Angelina Jolie throws herself at a wise and now reluctant Danny Aiello. Something tells me this woman is trouble.

Okay so its Angelina Jolie taking a shower in Mojave Moon. For an otherwise dull looking film it really does showcase a young Angelina Jolie quite well.

Antonio Banderas and Angeina Jolie make the sign of the two backed beast in the drama of the ages Original Sin. My question... what is going on with the cinemax porn music. Seriously can you imagine watching this in the theater and that music is playing through 20 odd speakers?

Now this is the proper music for a sex scene. Listen to the wonderful strings the haunting melodies. Glad to see the flick Taking Lives classing up the joint.

Pushing Tin is one of many films in the John Cusak ouevere I somehow missed during the ninties. Needless to say it is now on my to do list.

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Famke Janssen

2010-06-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

Every reviewer said Famke Jessen was wasted in the recent Liam Neeson vehicle Taken... I agree. This Goldeneye Bond villain shouldn't be playing kept woman divorcee shrew anytime soon.

She is a also known to fanboys as Jean Grey from the X-Men movies.

"1990"

"Anyone who dresses their teenage daughter like that needs a preemptive visit from Pedobear."

"Cup Runneth Over"

"Dry cleaned shirt is a must for an A list star... Good going Liam"

"Final Watercolor"

"Are you ready for some football?"

"IBCF Sexy"

"League of her own"

"I guess it is better than letting Halle Berry drive"

Horror movie or no horror movie I would kill for storage like that in my apartment.

Famke Janssen has a strange reaction to the garbage bag at the end of the rainbow in 100 Feet.

I've heard of thinking of other guys while you are having sex but Famke Janssen seems to have this to a particularly creepy extreme.

Famke Janssen and Joely Richardson enjoy a lesbian kiss in this brief clip from Nip/Tuck. Keeping the television tradition of gorgeous woman kissing each other on basic cable alive.

In this scene from Lord of Illusions somehow actor Kevin J. Connor remembers his lines and just doesn't stare at Famke Janssen's chest.

Apparently among Wolverine's superpowers is the ability to snog Jean while still wearing his jeans in this clip from X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

Did Famke Janssen wear this dress through the entire movie? Well if something works why change it I guess.

Hey it is a cheesy Scott Bakula sex scene from Lord of Illusion. (And I do mean cheesy; it's as if they mixed a Mystery Science Theater Movie with the musical score and camera work from Dead Again.) Anywho... it's a cheesy Scott Bakula sex scene (complete with unconvincing tattoo.) now should I try out an Enterprise joke or go for the more classic Quantum Leap quip (or I could get really obscure and throw in a Murphy Brown reference)

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Pell James

2010-06-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

Pell James is an interesting actress with appearances in Surveillance, Zodiac and Fanboys. She didn't make much of an impression in Fanboys but honestly when you are next to Jaime King one tends to be overshadowed.

"Pell James Banks Fanboys"

"Pell James Berman Fanboys"

"Pell James Del Fanboys"

"Pell James Jaime King Doors Fanboys"

"Pell James Jaime King Giganteus Fanboys"

"Pell James Mildrette Fanboys"

"Pell James Jaime King Pont Fanboys"

"Pell James Sam Fanboys"

"Pell James Toro Fanboys"

"Pell James Utube Surveillance"

"Pell James Jaime King Zatosetron Fanboys"

I am always suspicious of couples where the guy is cuter than the girl especially when the guy is sporting Johnny Depp facial hair.

Pell James demonstrates the Shower Of Angst in The King.

Say what you want about this scene from The King they nail the cheap motel room down to a T.

"The ground isn't the only thing that is rock hard baby"... is a line I might have included in this scene from The King.

This scene with Pell James and Julia Ormond from Surveillance is in the running for clip of the month. At the very least the movie Surveillance is certainly headed to the top of the Netflix Que.

I actually like this scene from The King. It seems a surprisingly realistic sex scene that shows the inportance of at least a little foreplay before you run the ball all the way down the field.

The Shower Of Angst in The King part duex.

Pell James actually pulls of the model look in Undiscovered.

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Ikki Tousen... Romance Of The Three Kingdoms with Panty Shots.

2010-06-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ikki Tousen: 8 out of 10: The term fan service is thrown around a lot when people discuss Anime. Ikki Tousen is the greatest (or worst) example of blatant fan service I have seen outside of a pornographic Hentai.

One could easily watch the first few episodes and could think that blatant and somewhat creepy fan service is all Ikki Tousen offers, but something funny happened; I got drawn into the story.

In an alternate universe High Schools exist for fighting tournaments. The students wear teardrops shaped earrings that contain the essence of warriors from the Three Kingdoms period in China (also known as called the Six Dynasties) that followed the loss of de facto power by the Han Dynasty emperors. Each character in Ikki Tousen is predestined to the fate of their respective warrior.

So a history lesson is mixed in between the shots of leave nothing to the imagination white panties. Does that really excuse a grown man watching topless high school girls beat each other up?... Probably not, no.

The animation is rudimentary and the episodes can be a touch repetitive. There is also that guy blushing sex humor I despise. Nevertheless, as soon as I start to fail to warm to the episodes something dramatic happens to break the pattern (The lesbian rape in Episode 6 Roku is a particular game changer.)

So if you enjoy a good Anime and do not currently appear on any sex offender lists I can highly recommend Ikki Tousen. Give it a few episodes you may be drawn into the history and characterization. Alternatively, you might just be a sick fuck... different strokes and all that.

On a side note all episodes are available for free on IMDB.

"Rare instance of fight damage in television Anime"

"Why do these old monks living alone in the woods always have super powers?"

"Mothers spanking "Adult" children always ends up badly... usually in a NEA grant and a one-woman show."

"Fan Service Part A"

"Fan Service Part B... do you think they have a specialist who draws nipples or is someone drawing Bulbasaur one week and topless girls the next"

"I wish they all could be Anime Girls"

"Our main players left to right, Sex Protagonist, Comic Relief, Disturbing Cougar"

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I'll Be There with You

2010-06-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'll Be There with You: 3 out of 10: This movie is a mess. It threatens to become an interesting mess; but alas, it is in reality just a mess.

The first clue something is wrong, is this movie’s supposed genre. Apparently, it is a horror movie. I’ll Be There With You is no more a horror movie than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was. It has horrific elements certainly, but it is more of a drama and a relationship drama at that. Whether director Akihiro Kitamura meant to make a horror film or the marketing department at Celebrity Video Distribution simply choose to label it as a horror film is unknown.

Now what director Kitamura meant by this film is somewhat of a mystery; it is all over the place. There is a relationship drama, bar pick-ups, date rape, non-date rape, strange computer graphics from someone’s Commodore Amiga, escaped criminals killing, Japanese nerd comic relief, and Daniel Baldwin.

Indeed a bloated Daniel Baldwin gives the best performance of the film. That alone should be condemning with faint praise. In fairness, the ladies in the cast (Adarsha Benjamin, Michelle Lawrence and Elisabeth Donaldson) are decent if somewhat unpolished, but the male lead Akihiro Kitamura is a black hole of charisma. Kituamura’s tearful denouement is cinematic pain defined. (I would blame the director but they are the same guy.)

With its lack of focus and bizarre computer generated sequences I’ll Be There With You reminds me of that mess Demonlover. But with a lower budget and less talent on both sides of the camera. Overall I’ll Be There With You’s mess is even less enjoyable.

There was potential for a couple of good films in this mess. Unfortunately potential and reality never share the same screen.

"You know I find sex easier with my jeans off"

"Writer Akihiro Kitamura signals to Director Akihiro Kitamura that Actor Akihiro Kitamura should have a sex scene with every female cast member"

"Driving through the Uncanny Valley"

"No this is not a screen shot from Doom on the Amiga (Yes I know Doom came out well after the Amiga's release)... it is a screenshot from I'll Be There With You"

"Another donut Daniel Baldwin with a 'strategically exposed breast' Elisabeth Donaldson in a rape scene that would have been more dramatic if it wasn't completely out of left field."

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Helen Hunt

2010-06-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

Helen Hunt is to Jodie Foster as Leelee Sobieski is to Helen Hunt.

Helen, of course, is now recognized as a fine academy award-winning actor for As Good as it Gets. She is also known in this household for Rollercoaster, the Trancers series and Castaway.

It is easy to forget how she is also one sexy woman indeed.

"Helen Hunt Department"

"Helen Hunt Iowa"

"Helen Hunt Palestina"

Slightly NSFW work scene from As Good as it Gets. Best use of a wet T-shirt in an Academy Award winner since The Deep (okay maybe Jacqueline Bisset didn't technically win tghe Academy award for her performance in The Deep I am simply making up for the Academy's oversight.

Greg Kinnear sketches Helen Hunts side boob in this nice scene from As Good as it Gets.

I like the completed sketches on the bed. I always wonder if the artist gets credit in the credits and if so as what. (in addition wouldn't it be neat to but some artwork used in a movie.)

Helen Hunt leads an aerobic bycycle class. (Why a group of woman on stationary bicycles would need a leader is beyond me.) The she has what looks like sex with her grandfather on a tanning bed. (A tanning bed must rival stairs when it comes to uncomfortable places to have sex. All this is courtesy of the film Empire Falls which I hadn't heard of either. (Possibly because it turns out to be a TV Miniseries)

Then She Found Me is Helen Hunt's directorial debut. So why did she cast herself making love to Matthew Broderick? Perhaps she is going for pathos or even disgust. Or maybe this is a horror film and Matthew Broderick plays an Incubus. yeah that must be the explanation.

Did not anyone on the set of Then She Found Me notice they were doing a scene from As Good as it Gets just with a crazy Bette Midler substituting for a crazy Jack Nicholson? I have heard of homages before but this seems more a straightfoward plagerism.

Now it is Colin Firth Playing the Jack Nicholson role... whats next Hunt stepping off an elevator in a wet t-shirt?

Whew... that was a close one.

Bette Midler and Helen Hunt shoot up herion while on the run from James Brooks' lawyer and an Incubus in the surprisingly plotted Then She Found Me.

What starts out as an erotic scene from The Waterdance quickly turns to pathos. Eric Stoltz isn't the only person losing his erection.

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According to my Netflix blurb Helen Hunt is the seductress and Scarlett Johansson is the wife in the film A good Woman... yeah I'm not sure how that is supposed to work. Anyway this scene demonstrates the life or death struggle between two woman that wore the same outfit. Honestly I was hoping for an over the top catfight.

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Carice van Houten

2010-06-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Carice van Houten appeared as Tom Cruise's wife in a thankless throwaway role in Valkyrie. I am however going to have to check out her performance in The Black Book (Zwartboek). I am a huge Paul Verhoeven fan and from what I have seen this film will not disappoint.

"Carice van Houten List"

"Carice van Houten Kit Black Book"

"Carice van Houten Aid Black Book"

"Carice van Houten Oregon"

Well this is a clip (from The Black Book) that definitely fits the Naughty bits motif. I can't tell if she is waxing her pubic region or simply dying her pubic hair blond.

Despite the fiasco that was Showgirls, Paul Verhoeven knows how to direct a sex scene. Even one with Nazis. Needless to say the Black book remains on my need to watch list on Netflix.

Quick Scene from The Black Book. I only included it becuse of the brief cameo by Bigfoot. (That was Bigfoot no?)

Is that a gun between your legs or are you just happy to see me?... Oh dear.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that the dutch underground has found out about Carice van Houten's Nazi diddling ways. On a side note I am having a hard time remembering a film where the main character has her shirt ripped off and her tits exposed in seemingly every scene. Luckily for the audiance Miss van Houten's breasts are more than up for the challenge.

You know a scene like this from De Passievrucht would have livened Valkerie right the fuck up.

That is actress Halina Reijn frolicking nude with Carice van Houten in De Passievrucht.

About two thirds through this clip is a true WTF moment no? It is reminest of something from a bad sex education film or perhaps even a scene from Woody Allen's Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask.

Now Carice van Houten is glowing like a Steven Spielberg McGuffin. De Passievrucht is one strange but interesting film.

If the American TV sitcom Friends were any good it would have had more funny scenes like this one.

Painting houses (and directing films) can often be a slog. That said I am sure that working with pot smoking topless woman takes some of the edge of a hard days work.

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Lena Headey

2010-06-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

Lena Headey is currently seen in the Sarah Conner Chronicles. I remember her from both The Brothers Grimm and as the only thing in 300 that didn't make you think you accidentally went into the gay porn theater next door. (She played the queen.)

"Austin Water"

Beeson Black Bra"

"Lagraulière"

"Star shines on beauty"

"Purple Tate"

"Wars of Pleasure"

Unlike some of my uptight brethren I really enjoyed the movie 300. I have to say that Lena was a refreshing respite from all the macho posturing.

Great song during this clip of Aberdeen. I'm not sure if it is native to the film itself or was added after the fact.

Some woman can pull off the wander around the house topless scene. Lena Headey is one of those woman.

I have swam in a lake in Scotland. Honestly the water was so cold I half expected to see polar bears drifting by on their ice flows.

Lena Headley takes a bath in The Broken. I understand that "cold" lighting is often an artistic choice for the director; in my humble opinion though it is often overused to a fault and makes an otherwise grim film simply unbearable and ugly.

Lena Headey (every time I type her name I hear Harvey Korman's voice in my head "it's Headley") once again pulls off walking around the house naked, this time in The Broken. And no need to adjust your set there is sound on this clip. It simply is one of the quietest movies I have ever posted.

I read Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell Tale Heart. I don't remember this scene.

If I am going to hire someone to walk around my house naked I think I should go with experience over youth and hire me one Lena Headey. Though technically in this clip from The Parole Officer she isn't exactly walking.

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Anne Hathaway

2010-06-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

Anne Hathaway has always been a but of a Teflon princess. Despite coming out of the the Disney factory she always seemed to avoided the Disney label that haunts other young actresses. She moved gracefully into adult roles with nary a peep of controversy. Even her scandalous relationship with Italian swindler Raffaello Follieri gained her sympathy rather than scorn.

Part of the reason is she has always extruded an air of class. Her scandalous behavior was on the yachts of the Riviera rather than the streets of Hollywood. Another reason is she can clearly act playing a straight man against Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada or a supporting role in Brokeback Mountain.

She is best known for her princess roles in Ella Enchanted and The Princess Diaries as well as her performance in The Princess Diaries which garnered an academy award nomination for best actress.

"Anne Hathaway 2003"

"Anne Hathaway 1993 Dutch TT"

"Anne Hathaway FEZ"

"Anne Hathaway Jill"

"Anne Hathaway Ramsay"

The best scene in Brokeback Mountain?

Anne Hathaway gets all Jackie Chang on the dance floor in Ella Enchanted. I suppose the slow motion bit from the clip is not from the movie itself but from some poor sole in desperation for an upskirt shot in a Disney movie... honestly I feel more pity than disgust.

Despite the Elton John music wailing in the background this isn't video of Rush Limbaugh's latest wedding. It's another clip from Ella Enchanted.

Anne Hathaway goes slumming (and topless) in Havoc.

Anne Hathaway pretends to be a porn star (quite convincingly) in Havoc.

You know this scene from Havoc is thematically identical to that scene from Brokeback Mountain. Who says watching Anne Hathaway taking her top off isn't an intellectual pursuit.

I hope this isn't the best scene from Passengers.

Anne Hathaway's Academy Award nominated performance from Rachel Getting Married. (Anne plays the drug addicted sister. She lost out to Kate Winslet for The Reader. Anne has often been quoted as saying Miss Winslet is her thesbioan role model. I think she is on the right track.

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Jenna Harrison

2010-06-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Jenna Harrison failed miserably to get the attention of either boy or the shark for that matter in 12 Days of Terror. But I hope the pictures below show that she can be somewhat comely lass.

"Jenna Harrison Arfara"

"Jenna Harrison Mac"

"Jenna Harrison Máel"

"Jenna Harrison Máele"

"Jenna Harrison Malindi Constituency"

"Jenna Harrison Sechnaill"

Two naked girls playing in the shower and all I can think of is who is the blond with the Brazil jersey.

The French girl with the butterfly tattoo is Algina Lipkis. The movie is Natasha. The fantasy of "this is really what happens at sleepovers" is all mine. Needless to say Natasha has zoomed to the top of my much watch list.

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Danielle Harris

2010-06-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

Danielle Harris is one of those hardworking actors. Among the hundred or so TV and movie appearances were her roles in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) ...Halloween 5 (1989) ... aka Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.... Halloween (2007) and Halloween II (2009) That's one more Halloween than Jamie Lee Curtis (though sticklers would point out the Curtis was an uncredited voice in Halloween III: Season of the Witch. )

She is also known as the voice of Debbie Thornberry.

"Danielle Harris Rick"

"Danielle Harris Riau"

"Danielle Harris Islands Halloween Topless"

"Danielle Harris Ankiel"

Netflix has two movies called Left for Dead as as far as I can tell neither one are this film. This is the standard American sex scene where everyone is surprisingly clothed despite being alone in thier bedroom.

Danielle Harris gets topless in a slasher film... well we all know what happens after one makes that tactical error. Surprisingly enough she appears in the Rob Zombie sequel so perhaps she gets away.

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Suzanna Hamilton

2010-06-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Suzanna Hamilton is best known for her role in 1984. She also appeared in Out of Africa and the 1989 Hitchcockian thriller Never Come Back. Strangely enough I was only able to find pictures from the 1984 film.

"1984 Suzanna Hamilton with John Hurt"

"Eating The Apple"

"Topless Hills"

"Lac de Chalain"

"Nude Red Cups"

"Swirl Nipple"

"Nude in Forest"

"The breasts are alive and they are coming towards us"

" I swear I had the exact same apartment on the forth floor at 71st and 1st in Manhattan in the early nineties.

I am officially shallow. I watch this serious scene from 1984 with Suzanna Hamilton and John Hurt and all I can think is to question why she didn't shave her armpits? Was it realism for the film (razors are very hard to come by) or was it a personal choice by the actress.

The idea of a morality police has always scared me. I often fear that segments of the American populace are a little to interested in what their neighbors do behind close doors.

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Hostel... Motel Hell

2010-06-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hostel: 10 out of 10: Half Eurotrip style sex comedy (with a seventies level of nudity) and half the doctor scene from Bloodsucking Freaks, yeah I might as well stop my review right there it's a 10.

Director Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) has scored a bull's eye simply by going back to what makes exploitation films great. Thus he produces a film that could have been lensed in the freewheeling year of 1975 rather than PG-13 stuffy year of 2005.

The film starts with two American college students and an Icelandic hanger on enjoying some debauchery in Amsterdam. They hear about a nirvana for sex and drugs in Slovakia and they pursue it as if they were traversing the Himalayas to find Shangri-La.

What they find is,,, well I won't spoil it for you but they should have stuck with the marijuana brownies and overpriced Dutch hookers.

The movie actually makes torture scenes enjoyable again. (I generally have hated the whole torture motif in modern film for example Rest Stop.) Roth unlike his contemporaries shows the gore without those annoying zooming camera tricks. The leads are unlikable in a fun rather than irritating way (not easy to do) and the film has both a wonderful energy and plentiful surprises.

Oh and there is copious amounts of extremely well done gratuitous nudity and sadistic gore. One of the best films of 2005.

Hostel is filled (at least the first two-thirds of it) with these wonderful bacchanalian scenes.

If you are going to be tortured to death spending your last moments with Barbara Nedeljakova and Jana Kaderabkova isn't the worst of trade-offs.

Say hello to Natali Tothova. Somehow Hostel scoured the modeling agencies of Eastern Europe and managed to find a bevy of beauties whereas other explotation films that take advantage of inexpensive local talent always seem to end up with ladies either two minutes from a heroin overdose or stout types in a embriotic bubushka state.

Paula Wild is the hooker with a heart of gold (comparatively speaking) in this crazy brothel in the beginning of Hostel. The shadows of sex are a brilliant way to suggest much more hardcore sex than is actually shown.

What kind of name is Sandy Style? Seriously that is the moniker for the actress in the clip above. It reminds me for some reason of the Wii first person shooter called The Conduit. The main villian of the Conduit is named John Adams so of course you are chasing John Adams... John Adams is double dealing with aliens... and my personal favorite John Adams is traveling through time to destroy the world.

Honestly how the playtesters for that game didn't get workmans comp from the rib injuries caused by laughing at the stupidity is beyond me.

Call me Mr. Overcautious... but I am not sure I would take sex tourism tips from a guy with an open sore on his lip.

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Haeckel's Tale... Come for the Haeckel stay for the Savasta

2010-06-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

Masters of Horror: John McNaughton: Haeckel's Tale: 7 out of 10: Can one justify seeing a rather pedestrian one hour episode simply because a gorgeous woman has one of the most bizarre and erotic sex scenes near the films "climax"? I'm certainly going to try.

First the pedestrian stuff. This is an historical horror movie, all horse drawn carriages and talk of electricity. It's nice for a change of pace and is well done here.

The films main character is that old chestnut "a man of science". He is trying to replicate Victor Frankenstein's experiments and is instead setting corpses on fire. The movie takes a very unexpected turn as he is summoned to his dying father and precedes on a leisurely peregrination kind of like that the gay character takes in As Good As It Gets.

On his jaunt he runs into a necromancer who raises people from the dead for a fee. The necromancer is very well played by Coen favorite Jon Polito (A cheap talented Danny DeVito). Man of science is curious but disparages the hocus pocus mystical explanation of the necromancer's skills.

The movie continues to meander, much like the main character, until our protaganist ends up at the house of a weird old man and his too young and too beautiful wife. This is where my patience with the film paid off.

Leela Savasta made such an impression on me I immediately want to see the rest of her films… both of them. Heck I want to buy an office block in Vancouver. (She sells Canadian real estate as well as acting and modeling). Yes I turned from bemused viewer to gushing fan boy almost immediately.

So in conclusion, the movie is a decent albeit slow, and Savasta will make a man leave his wife and travel a continent and buy a small affordable Canadian strip mall. Or at the very least see that new Black Christmas remake.

"Haeckel's Tale Breast Actress in a Horror Film Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Frankenstien Sex Toy Elizabeth McQuade"

"Haeckel's Tale Merzling Jon Polito Derek Cecil"

"Haeckel's Tale New Sex filled Disney Ride Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Nineteenth Century Topless Neon Elizabeth McQuade"

"Haeckel's Tale Reflective Nude Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Topless Heart Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Zombie Sex Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Zombie Meal Elizabeth McQuade"

"Haeckel's Tale Zombies are already stiff so says Leela Savasta"

"Haeckel's Tale Zombie Sex Orgasm Leela Savasta"

Look it's a Zombie orgy... and yes it is much better than that sounds.

Okaym I admit it the Zombie Orgy "climax" cracks me up every time.

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Julianna Guill

2010-06-04T05:18:00.000-07:00

Julianna Guill is easily the best thing in the Friday the 13th movie. She steals every scene she is in and seems well on her way to becoming an accomplished actress. She is also to cute for words (Eyes like a Japanese Anime) and really brings out the fanboy.

"Julianna Guill Black Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Bloc Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Bugoy Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Burkina Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Carino Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Colobus Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Corbelli Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Ecuador Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Faso Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Fels Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Gavisse Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill James Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Jascob Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Jean Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Jeudy Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Junction Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Kent Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Kimio Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Kitaarima Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Koungou Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Laurie Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill List Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Nagasaki"

"Julianna Guill National Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Parks Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Pryor Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill River Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Terrelle Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Vermont Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Voting Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill Wagram Friday The 13th"

"Julianna Guill White Friday The 13th"

Julianna Guill Yabuki Friday The 13th"

As much as I clearly adore Julianna Guill I'm am not sure I am willing to sit through Road Trip: Beer Pong to experience her charms. Lust and obsession can only take one on a journey with only so many sacrifices. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

Julianna Guill dances her way into mens hearts in Friday the 13th.

Julianna Guill and Travis Van Winkle (yes that is his real name he looks like a Van Winkle he is only missing the third) engage in hot passionate sex... which unfortunately is a death sentence in Friday the 13th movies

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Judy Greer

2010-06-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

Judy Greer stole my something as the lust object in Adaptation. I have had a little crush on her ever since, and redheaded topless waitresses surrounded by orchids in general.

"Judy Greer Arnold"

"Cougar Patrol"

"Judy Greer Dad"

"Judy Greer Dan"

"Judy Greer Gingrich Adaptation"

"Judy Greer Mount Alexander"

"Judy Greer Plesac"

Adaptation is one the best films of the last ten years. This scene was a a cherry on a sundae of win.

I have always been amazed by the fact that David Duchvony was in some sort of sex rehab while filming Californication. To me it would be as if you just entered AA and staring in Strange Brew. All that said I am not saying I myself snorted cocaine of a gourgous blond. I am just saying 1993 was an interesting year.

Strange this clip from What Planet are you From also reminds me of 1993.... and 1994 and 1995....

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Aimee Graham

2010-06-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

Aimee Graham is best known as Heather Graham's sister doesn't get as much press as say Jessica Simpson's sister, which is strange cause Aimee has actual talent. She has appeared in such films as 100 Girls, Jackie Brown, Alien Hunter,Reform School Girl,Dance with the Devil and Fellowship of the Dice.

"Aimee Graham Maharloo"

"Aimee Graham Lake Dance with the Devil"

"Aimee Graham Gaydos Reform School Girls"

"Aimee Graham John"

"Aimee Graham Foucarville Reform School Girl"

Heather Graham goes into Misty Mundae territory in Dance with the Devil

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Michelle Gomez

2010-06-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

With a name like Gomez you just know she is a Glasgow girl. She can be seen in Green Wing, which is like a British Scrubs, but all the jokes are paid for by the government. (Just because a joke has layers doesn't mean it doesn't suck.)

She is best known in this household as that horrid shrew from The Acid House.

"Michelle Gomez Reporter"

"Michelle Gomez Decisions"

"Michelle Gomez Bulacnin Taming of the Shrew"

"Michelle Gomez Bengal"

I don't recall if English subtitles were an option when watching the The Acid House. Either way a mixed film with Gomez's episode certainly being the strongest link.

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Gina Gershon.... America's daikon

2010-05-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

From Showgirls to Bound, Gina Gershon makes unwatchable films a little more watchable.

"Gina Gershon Spencer"

"Gina Gershon Seneschal"

"Gina Gershon Ireland"

Elizabeth Berkley imitates a mannequin this scene with a hungry Gina Gershon from Showgirls.

Not since that Saturday Night Fever sequel Staying Alive has a stage show created such emotions... I am assuming they were going for laughter and dismay no? I mean I have expected to see Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel in the audience counting their upcoming fortune.

I have seen Bound a couple of times and it has never connected with me. Now after watching that clip above with Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon I guess I'm going to have to see it again until I like it.

Thank God for video because I'm not sure mere words are up to the task of describing how bad the movie Showgirls really is.

More fine acting by Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls... meanwhile our girl Gershon looks like she could be trying out for a more adult Laura Croft.

Why am I reminded of a Love Boat episode or perhaps a Quincy? Is it the set design? The music? or a plot point that wouldn't be out of place in a Brady Bunch episode.

Gina Gershon and Tom Cruise in Cocktail... I'm a little surprised she didn't break poor Tom in half.

Gina Gershon, in a rare clothed role, looking worse than usual walking down the street with Hillary Swank who honestly looks a little better than usual all in the horrible titled film "P.S. I Love You" which is surely about vampire invasions or a plague or something.

Now this is the Gina Gershon we all now and love... cue the Maneater music.

Ah the 1980's when supermodels tilled the soil before those hard working Mexicans invaded our borders and stole their jobs forcing them to move to Vegas and star in badly disguised porn films.

Ah the 1980's when supermodels tilled the soil before those hard working Mexicans invaded our borders and stole their jobs forcing them to move to Vegas and star in badly disguised porn films.

Which is worse Elizabeth Berkley's Acting or Elizabeth Berkley's dancing??? Mystery for the ages I tell you.

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Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment... No! Not the Comfy Chair

2010-05-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment: 1/10: Hardcore porn films fall into two categories those with a semblance of plot (Gee that is one lucky pizza boy) and those without (Anal Amateurs 36). Devil's Experiment falls solidly into the latter category.

It is of course the horror version of hardcore porn. An almost completely plot less 43-minute wait for the money shot. Shot on video in 1985 it consists of three relatively non-descript Japanese boys torturing one fairly unattractive Japanese girl. The tortures range from the banal (slapping her 50 times, kicking her a hundred), the silly (tying her to an office chair and spinning her around), the fear factor (a bath of maggots and sheep guts) and finally the money shot. (A well executed eyeball piercing).

That's it, no plot, no motive, just Blair Witch tree shots and torture. The girl looks bored and with the exception of yelling, "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition" during the office chair scene I was bored silly. Staring dumbfounded at the screen, waiting for the money shot. Just like hardcore porn.

Some unrelated best of Google art for your pleasure

"Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment Caerphilly"

"Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment Gossypium Thurberi Topless"

"Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment Keresaspa Full Frontal Nudity in Chair"

Niizuma Jigoku is a Japanese movie from 1975. Known as both a New Wife's Hell and Newlywed Hell (and the delightful Prisonnière du vice in France) it alas is unreleased on DVD here in the states. Needless to say the poster art makes the movie look more interesting than it probably is.

"Guinea Pig Devil's Experiment Palestine Exploration Fund"

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Dirty Jokes... Truly Tasteless Joke Book The Movie.

2010-05-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes: 4 out of 10: Notice the “concert film” is called Dirty Jokes not funny jokes. I also put concert film in quotes because this is the most disinterested collection of Yuppies I have ever seen. The audience often groans or at the very least sits in an impatient silence during Gottfried’s performance.

Not that Gottfried does not give them reason to squirm. His jokes are dirty... that was a given, but quite often they simply are not all that funny. Part of the problem is many of these moldy chestnuts are probably older than Gottfried himself. It is as if he was giving an X-rated Jack Benny routine.

The culmination of this collection of tasteless one-liners is yet another rendition of the Aristocrats joke. If you missed that dead horse-beating documentary The Aristocrats, the joke is a ten-minute collection of the most scatological collection of images followed by a shaggy joke punch line. The joke (like most shaggy dog humor) only works if you are not expecting it. Here it falls horribly flat with an audience that is clearly bored.

If you want to see the funniest version of the joke fast forward towards the end the The Aristocrats and their is a hilarious (and historical) version told in front of a squirming Hugh Hefner a few weeks after 9/11. The brilliant comedian who pulled of this unlikely triumph?... Gilbert Gottfried

Here is some best of Google pictures cause lets face it who wants me to post pictures of Gilbert Gottfried

"Bush I could vote for"

"Dysentery Nude"

"Kim Flag Kitty"

"Seong Surreal Alley Eye"

"Sil Redhead Breasts versus Dress."

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Willa Ford

2010-05-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

Willa Ford is a multitalented actress and songstress originally from Ruskin, Florida. She has appeared on Dancing with the Stars and sang the song "Lullaby" from Pokémon: The First Movie.

She also Played Anna Nicole Smith in a telepic filmed in 2007.

Sexy and apparently a decent singer Willa Ford is still looking for that breakout role.

In addition, she had the best death scene by far in the Friday the 13th reboot. (If anyone considers revealing that the topless blond gets killed in a Friday the 13th movie a spoiler please check your meds.)

Willa Ford Wakeboarding in the Friday the 13th remake. One of the better scenes from the film.

Ah drinking contests and strippers... then a quick trip to the champagne room to meet you future 86 year old husband. (Willa Ford in the TV biopic Anna Nicole)

I'm not sure I understand the fascination with Marilyn Monroe. To me it's a little like Elvis worship. (Which needless to say I also don't understand) But at least in Elvis's case he was top of his game for a long time. I have the feeling Monroe is much more famous postmortem.

I'm sure I said Willa Ford was a talented actress at some point. After watching this clip from Anna Nicole I may have to revisit my opinion.

The best death scene not just in the Friday the 13th remake but one of the contenders for best death scene in the whole series. (Here is my personal favorite from Friday the 13th 2)

Willa Ford goes all cosplay in Impulse. This scene also does prove the old adage for every beautiful woman there is a man who is tired of fucking her.

Willa Ford tries to masturbate with annoying husband haunting her subconscious in Impulse.

Not just does the man in the white jacket look a little like myself and certainly act a little like myself but indeed I have had a few experiences just like what is shown in this four minute clip. (assuming this scene doesn't turn into an early Cronenberg later on.)

Nice scene (with good acting all around) with Angus MacFadyen and Willa Ford not discussing the duck.

Willa Ford goes shopping and tries on clothes... hey I consider it entertainment.

Willa Ford sleeps with her husband... or does she (Dum Dum Dum).

Great Sex... Horrific Shirt.

I'm not saying Anna Nicole is a horrible movie but Netflix doesn't carry it. And you should see some of the films Netflix has. The scene above is troubling. They are clearly trying to copy Showgirls here with Leslie Kay in the Gina Gershen role. Any movie that uses that horrific drama (that Netflix actually lists as a cult comedy. I guess it is so bad it's good) as a template is on the train to Fiascoville with a stop at Bad Accent land. Movie House Commentary got an apparent bootleg copy and here is their take.

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